Saved by His Grace

Wish You Were Here

Gah I miss him. I don’t even know him but I miss him. I wish God would bring him back so I could see him, talk to him, know him. I don’t know why it has upset me today but it has. Reading the court documents and the cause of his death just completely unsettles me. All I keep thinking is… He was alone when he died. Was he a Christian? Who was the woman he was married to? Did she know about me? All these questions just resonate in my head. It’s been almost 6 years since he died and I still feel the same way I did then…lost. I don’t know that answers would make me feel any different. I think about him more than people know or realize. I try so hard not to be jealous or envious of people who have their father but that’s hard because I don’t have mine and won’t ever have him. I don’t want people to think I don’t love my dad that adopted me because I do, it’s just it would have been nice to know the man that is my father. My brother is the only one who knows and understands my pain. It’s been a hard journey for both of us. The tears just keep streaming down my face and my heart just aches. I miss him more than words can say. I will never understand why God took him so early and why I never got the chance to know him. I don’t know that it will ever get easier. My whole point to this long message is this….whether your parents are divorced or not: Cherish the moments you have with them, love them even when it seems impossible, respect them even when you think they don’t deserve it, but most of all appreciate them and spend time with them because you don’t know when they will be taken from you. :)

Words fail

He’s arrogant. He’s rude. He’s selfish. He is unkind. He is annoying. He is a jerk. He is so impatient. He is prideful. He is the most difficult human being I know. He is all of these things about 99 % of the time. It’s that 1% of the time that makes me love him for all of the 99% part. I’ve never felt this way before. My words fail me because I know I can never describe this ache I feel inside of me. It’s more of a longing…a longing to be close to him, to tell him everything, to be there for him. I love him in the best way I know how. I pray and pray and the feeling I have just grows increasingly. I can’t shake this feeling, it never leaves. Even thinking about yesterday when he said something that angered me….even though I was giving him the death stare, all I really wanted was for him to hold me. This is so weird for me to say because I don’t like being trapped, and hugging and holding is my way of feeling trapped. But yesterday even in the midst of being mad at him, all I wanted was to be in his arms. All of this scares me so much. I find myself thinking of him more than I should, and talking about him more than necessary. I hate him, I love him…I can never decide. I can’t stand him, yet I want to be near him. I get jealous when he talks to other girls. This is so new to me. How can you feel this way towards someone who you aren’t even with and who may not even feel that way towards you? There are so many things I fear about him, but I think the biggest fear…is that I will fall in love with him. He intimidates me to the utmost  degree, though I would never tell him this. In a strange way, I know that if it’s not him that I am supposed to marry, it will be someone like him. I wish they way I feel could subside or go away but I don’t think that’s going to happen. Sometimes love just sucks but knowing God will get the glory, makes it all worth it. Who knows what will happen, but until then I will continue following the path God has paved for me and let Him work this out. :)

Wish You Were Here

I have so many emotions swirling around right now. I don’t even know how to handle them, let alone define them. There are so many things to figure out. I trust God and know that He has all of this handled. I am just praying for His guidance in my life right now in all areas. I am realizing more and more how God’s timing is not our own. I keep thinking I am not ready for this or it’s not time for that or this is the wrong time but God is saying my child listen to me, it’s perfect timing because it’s My timing. ahhh I am just ready to see the full picture instead of just pieces. None of this makes sense right now. I can’t believe my college life is almost over. I will have to be an adult soon. My priorities will change. As much as I am scared out of my mind, I am excited to see where God takes me this year. New experiences, new adventures, new people…all of it will be exciting. 

I wish I could tell you how I feel but I am so afraid and I want to make sure this is in the will of God. I can’t wait to see you. :) For the first time in a long time, I really feel like this is right.  This is all happening so fast, I barely understand it. I am praying for both of us. I don’t want this to be about us but about Him. I wish I could type out everything I think and feel but one, I don’t even have the words and if I did, I am sure it would take over the limited writing space. I am going to stop before I just completely pour out my heart about everything on here. :)

You are with me

There are SO many things going on in my life right now. I am not sure if I can keep up with them all. haha So today I got a letter telling me I need the “new” birth certificate from Puerto Rico in order to get my passport. It’s such a bummer that I have to always jump hurdles bc of where I was born. Nonetheless, I will get it all taken care of. Satan WILL NOT take this away from me. I am so excited about all that God is doing in my life. My joy has been completely restored. So many amazing things are going on. I haven’t been sleeping as much lately, partially due to all the things running around in my head. The other part is from reconnecting with a friend and sharing all these amazing things with one another. I am so glad this re connection took place. Student teaching has been amazing. I love my students so much. It’s so hard not to want to take them home all the time. I definitely love what I do and wouldn’t trade it for any other profession. I am so blessed in all aspects of my life. I can’t believe we are almost in February. Where has time gone by? So for about 3 weeks now, my friend Kayla and I have been going through the book of Job. It’s so incredible and easy to relate to. I am so glad she is my accountability partner. Today I met with my now mentor Angela. She is such a blessing. I love both of these ladies dearly. I am completely undeserving of all that I have. I am blessed beyond recognition. Everything I have is because of Him. I am nothing and have nothing without Him. Praise Him who is Worthy! 

New year